January 20, 2009 – AP
Barack Hussein Obama was inaugurated as the 44th president of the United States this afternoon in Washington, D.C. Obama, the unlikely Democratic nominee who soundly defeated Republican John McCain in the 2008 general election, became the first black president in American history.
Obama took the stage at 2:00 p.m. EST dressed in a traditional Muslim gown and turban, flanked by First Lady Michelle, veiled head-to-toe in a black burka. After swearing his oath on a copy of the Koran, President Obama strode to a microphone to address cheering throngs of godless homosexuals. He began by introducing his cabinet of Liberal Allies: first, Secretary of State William Ayers, followed by Attorney General Tony Rezko and Secretary of Defense Osama bin Laden. Obama also announced that former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen would be replaced with the remains of Leon Trotsky.
President Obama then introduced several sweeping changes, beginning with foreign policy. He officially conceded the war on terror and stated that he intends to sit on his hands in the event of a terrorist strike against the United States. He also made an executive order to the U.S. Border Patrol mandating that all borders be unconditionally opened. Mexican immigrants immediately began spilling into the country; as of press time, over 600,000 jobs had been reported taken.
Obama then moved on to economic policy, announcing a raise of the federal income tax to 100% for all citizens except small business owners and plumbers, who will pay 200%. Turning to social issues, he declared that all Americans will be given twenty-four hours to turn in their guns and cancel their church memberships. He also stipulated that all pregnant women will be required to have partial-birth abortions unless given special dispensation by his administration.
Following his speech, President Obama removed the U.S. flag from a nearby stand, set it on fire, urinated on it, and exited the stage with both middle fingers aloft.