Nasal Rape

You know what pisses me off?  Perfume.  Back in the day when people only bathed every few months, it was essential; now that we shower daily and use deodorant, it’s obsolete.  So why do people still think it’s appropriate to force others to smell their vile fragrances?  It’s basically nasal rape.  Often I find the unnatural, abrasive chemical scent of perfume more offensive than body odor (regular body odor, not turbocharged Indian body odor).

It’s not such a big deal when perfume is applied appropriately, i.e. sparingly.  If you’re going out for a special occasion and absolutely must wear some, just spray it once into the air and walk through it.  I’m a guy, I don’t wear cologne, and even I know this rule; why is it lost on all the guidos and skanks who drench themselves in Drakkar Noir and Poison?

People like this should be forcibly sterilized.

$100 for whoever slips some saltpeter into this guy's Jagerbomb.

By far the most common nasal rapists, however, are old women.  They’ve been wearing the same perfume since the Truman administration, and now apply ten times as much as they did back then.  Which do you think is more likely, grandma: that they’ve been gradually watering down your perfume, or that your sense of smell has deteriorated?  Last week I went to the symphony, and predictably my seat was right behind some old bag who was wearing enough Chanel (or whatever) to asphyxiate a buffalo.  I farted as much as possible as a desperate countermeasure, then kicked her down the stairs at intermission.

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5 Responses to Nasal Rape

  1. Clownshoes says:

    My favorite perfume is smoke.

  2. kelly says:

    Wait, you’re against having to smell other people’s perfume but you think I should have to smell other people’s cigarette smoke?

    And it’s a fact that old women like the smell of farts. That’s why they fart so much.

  3. prich says:

    I don’t think the post was intended to suggest a legal ban on perfume, following in the obnoxious footsteps of smoking bans. Whether one or the other smell happens to annoy certain people, these are still personal choices which shouldn’t result in legal persecution.

  4. Ed says:

    The whole point of perfume in the modern era is to not have the person smelling it realize they are smelling it. You want the guy or girl to think you’ve got a certain je ne sais quoi. Personally, I think natural pheremones do the trick if you’ve bathed recently. Strong perfumes give me a heacache and lower the wearer in my estimation. It isn’t attractive.

  5. Nick says:

    You know what actually constitues nasal rape? Inhalation of Dan’s fecal matter particulates at the symphony.

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