Bitch is you tweakin’?

Dan did something a few weeks ago that requires documentation and recognition. Pointing out the strangeness of Dan’s actions at large would be absolutely pointless (it would require its own blog complete with an encyclopedia and compendium). However, I just can’t get over this particular event, so I feel compelled to share.

In the library at CMU, there’s a coffee shop on the ground floor. Every once in a while, we head over there to get re-caffeinated. On the notable occasion under discussion, Dan stood in line, scrutinizing the menu in a deep computational trance.

Stack my Gs up, because someday Ima give this street life up.

Stack my cheese up, because someday I'ma give this street life up.

I’m used to this particular stare that Dan gives. It’s the same stare when he’s trying to figure out how to bullshit you at poker. It’s the same stare when he is trying to figure out the best move in chess, and it’s the stare he assumes when he takes two-hours to move in a board game.

I wondered idly what he could be thinking about and ordered my large coffee. Then came the moment.

“I’d like to order a single shot of espresso, please; and I’d like to add an additional shot.”

“So, a double espresso?”

“No. I’d like to order a single espresso and add an additional shot.”

Apparently, it says on the menu that you can add an additional shot of espresso to any espresso drink (such as a latte or a cappuccino). Technically, espresso is an espresso drink. Under this interpretation of the menu, it creates a loophole where the discerning customer can save a whopping dime.

Every thing counts in large amounts.

Every thing counts in large amounts.

No need for comment here. I report, you decide.


8 Responses to Bitch is you tweakin’?

  1. Metricula says:

    When I worked at Cup a Joe that wouldn’t have saved you anything. It’s their bad for having the loophole, but speaking as a member of the food service industry we think people who exploit these things are dicks.

    We also hate people who don’t know that the god-damn drink they’re trying to order has “expresso” in it (when it says it on the menu) and then they’re pissed when it tastes like coffee.

    But that’s an aside.

  2. Ariel says:

    I have to say that I love his cleverness there. Too funny.

    A guy I worked with took his “free drink” coupon to Starbucks and didn’t want to give it to them when they asked for it, he told them it says on there one drink per customer per visit so that meant he could keep it and reuse it for each visit. They didn’t think that was funny and told him he wasn’t allowed to use the coupon more than once.

    Personally I find it quite hilarious when people find these loopholes.

  3. lgrawr says:

    I have a disposition to attempt the same.

    Perhaps I’m a dick, but the inefficiency or logical inconsistency bothers me too much to not exploit such things simply out of principle. Same deal with too many things in life: law, taxes, ipsc/idpa stages, traffic lights…

    Is it not natural to optimize, given a system or set of rules? (Counterarguments involving the notion of ‘arbitrary intent’ drives me nuts.)

  4. Larry says:

    Dan this is right up there with when you got the $2 taken off of our tab in the Jewish restaurant in Poland then proudly exclaimed “I just out-Jewed a Jew in the Jewish district of Krakov!!!”

  5. Patricia says:

    I’m not even sure this would count as Dan “exploiting a loophole.” They’ve obviously decided that if you’re already paying for a drink, they value the extra espresso shot at a certain amount based on their profit and your likeliness to add that shot at a given price. The fact that the second shot of the double-espresso costs more than another second shot is if anything an intentional loophole they created for themselves to try to get an extra ten cents of profit where the menu easily allows it to be stated. They are surely not losing any money by accommodating Dan when he orders. Bravo for using common sense and not needlessly donating dimes to Starbucks. They have better uses.

  6. einam says:

    Dan is a model for jews everywhere! I’m only slightly disappointed that this required a deep trance and more than 2ms of deliberation. Are you getting rusty, Dan? These things should be shot from the hip: glance at the menu–BANG!

    But still, admirable Jew-ploitation.

  7. Dan says:

    For the record, I save a quarter with this strategy, not a dime. Though I enjoy saving the pocket change, I get more pleasure exposing their irrationality.

  8. JON says:

    I’ve seen this look, a lot, from Dan. I must say this has gone a long way in my life. I had always been around people who shot-from-the-hip when it came to ordering. Now though, I’m likely to twist the knife of common sense in the marketplace just like Dan. I thought of Dan’s ways last week when I’m in a Vietnamese restaurant: I order quail and a Budweiser felt right (at $2.75) with the quail, but the waitress tells me they are out of Budweiser and offers me the “Saigon” beer. Now, I noticed on the menu that the Saigon beer is $3.25. For all we know…there could be a heap of Budweiser in the back, and this woman is just trying to, shrewdly, get me to spend 50 more cents. I simply ask, “I’ll take the Saigon beer if you give it to me for the same price as the Budweiser.” Wait, that wasn’t a question, but maybe that’s why I was victorious!

    PS I went through the back, to the bathroom, to confirm the existence of Budweiser, and there wasn’t any.

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