Jingle Balls

There’s a Panera down the street from my house that’s served as my study spot this semester.  It has good lighting, power outlets, and free refills of decent coffee.  Next week is finals week, so I figured to spend plenty of time there this week preparing.  During my visit today, however, I discovered that I would have to go elsewhere.  Why?

Christmas music.  It’s not even December, and they’re already playing Christmas music.  In the name of all things sacred, why must we be subjected to this sonic diarrhea? Who wants to hear it?  Not the poor bastards who work there, that’s for sure.  I’m generally a peaceful guy, but if I worked at Panera and had to hear “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” on a continuous loop for eight hours each day I’d go Seung-Hui Cho on motherfuckers then burn that son of a bitch to the ground.

Christmas music can suck my furry green cock.

Christmas music can suck my furry green cock.

What about the customers?  There might be a few who enjoy it, but they must be a tiny minority; everyone I know can’t stand it.  Nevertheless, the douchebags at corporate somehow decide that this is what everyone wants to hear.  What cruel irony.

On a related note, whenever I hear the line “don we now our gay apparel,” I always picture the classic 1950’s nuclear family in front of the fireplace, smiling as they put on their assless chaps and nipple clamps.  Just thought you might like to know.


11 Responses to Jingle Balls

  1. lgrawr says:

    I share your sentiments, but I wonder if there’s any polling data on such a thing. I’m skeptical that it’s truly a tiny minority.

  2. Dan says:

    I understand your skepticism, lgrawr, so I’ve added a scientific poll to the post to prove my claim scientifically, with science.

  3. Patricia says:

    I’m pretty sure only a tiny minority wants to hear it, and that corporate is aware of it (they must be). They’re most likely afraid of the backlash if they’re the first ones to stop playing Christmas music; they could be accused of being Muslim or un-American or who knows what.
    It’s like being the first one to point out that your old grandma’s shirt is see-through and she ought to change it. Everyone wants to see the shirt changed, but nobody wants to be the one to say so. Basically, they’re cowards.

  4. lgrawr says:

    Your statistically significant study proves me wrong. I concede.

  5. Dan says:

    Count it! And one. People would rather watch Dane fucking Cook than listen to Christmas music. I think that says it all. Personally, I’d go with the hoagie.

  6. Eric says:

    One of the best posts thusfar.

  7. Patricia says:

    There is a customer comment box there, if I’m not mistaken.

  8. Hansel says:

    The blog post would be funnier if it were not posted in late November…(*sigh*)

  9. Maureen says:

    I see who I will not be inviting to attend my Christmas caroling ‘n cocoa party this year.

  10. JON says:

    I just voted, and I’m proud of everyone who will eat dogshit;I won’t though. I’ll listen to Christmas Music. I will not fucking watch Dane Cook though. Imagine if all Christmas Music was replaced by him, everywhere — for a month or more. I, maybe romantically, envision some rich goon atop a skyscraper, maniacally (insert Mr Burns here), making sure everyone realizes that Christmas is coming, so they’ll buy more of his products — that will make him more money — if they just play Christmas music just a wee-bit early each year. Christmas Music is far more absurd these days anyway.

  11. Rachael says:

    It’s not even corporate per se. It’s the radio stations. I work at a similar type place to Panera, and we have some sort of satellite radio muzak bullshit that’s playing Christmas music. It’s that or no music, we don’t really get a choice.

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