Dan keeps bugging me to write. The end of the semester and exam week really did me in — I’m tired, irritable, and more than a bit burned out. I’ve been doing nothing but playing Left 4 Dead and Castle Crashers for an entire week, bugging the living shit out of my friends (I don’t own an XBox 360). I’m like the Tyrone Biggums of video game consoles.
Alright, so enough of this shit and onto today’s topic. When I’m in the car, I listen to whatever contemporary pop Hip-Hop station I can find. I do this for the chuckles — there’s nothing a Hip-Hop singer won’t sing about soulfully (clubs, bitches, getting head, not finding any seeds in your sack of weed, the list goes on). Not to mention, I like to keep up on the most recent slang.
Recently I heard the song “Trading Places” by Usher.
Apparently, it’s a red-letter day in the Usher household. Why, you ask? Is it an anniversary? Did his girlfriend get a promotion? Did Usher just beat Left 4 Dead on expert-mode?
Nope. Tonight, Usher’s girlfriend is going to fuck him from the top. That’s what the song is about. That’s what “trading places” refers to. She’s going to fuck him on top, and this is such a rare occurrence that he must commemorate its passing with song.
That’s not where the ridiculousness of the song stops, however. Apparently men and women don’t act the way they do because of genes or some stupid shit like culture and society. They act the way they do based on who fucks who on top, according to Usher.
Once his woman does him from the top, let’s examine his resulting behavior:
I’ll be waking u up to a cup of Folgers
Pancakes and eggs I owe ya breakfast in bed, oh baby
And your orange juice sitting on the coaster
Toast on the side baby strawberry and grape jelly
You finished let me get that drink,
Pull the curtain from the window
Time to get up baby let me make this bed up
Today we going shopping blow 30 on me
Make it 60, spend it like u really love me
Skip dinner and we gon rent a movie
You order chinese food right before u do me
You coming on strong baby let me wash me hands
She said hurry up then get your ass to bed
We get the point. Usher’s doing the things his girlfriend normally does. However, there are a few questionable things about this passage. First of all, if you needed any more evidence that Usher is gay, he’s putting the orange juice on the coaster. I mean, I understand that he’s supposed to be acting like the woman in this song, but keep in mind he sat down and wrote (or read) the lyrics at some point.
Second of all, Usher is giving his woman Folgers. FOLGERS. Come on man, you’re USHER. Cough up $20 and get a fucking grinder for crying out loud. Folgers? Folgers!?
(yeah) Wash the car
(yeah) I’m gonna walk the dog
(yeah) Take out the trash
(yeah) With nothing but your t-shirt on
(yeah) I’m gonna press your shirt
This shit is just beyond the pale. Keep in mind he’s not doing these things for his woman because he loves her, but because of their particular spatio-temporal relations during sexual intercourse.
I understand that a white guy commenting on Hip Hop is at best stupid and at worst inappropriate. But then again — I have ears, don’t I?