Phone Phollies

Question: Why is it that every time I reach someone’s voicemail I have to hear this?

Computer Bitch: “You have reached the voice mailbox of five…one…zero…six…eight…one…four…three…seven…three.  To leave a voice message, begin speaking after the tone.  When you are finished recording, you may hang up, or press one for more options.  To leave a callback number, press three.”

Man…FUNK DAT! Gee, thanks Computer Bitch, I would never have known how to leave a message without your thorough instructions.  What the fuck?  It’s 2008; even the Bushmen of the Kalahari know how to leave a goddamn voicemail.  And has anyone ever left a “callback number?”  I don’t even know what that is.  Beep, talk, hang up.  There don’t need to be any other options, and there’s certainly no need to waste my time explaining them.

This wouldn’t be so irritating if there were an easy way to bypass it, but each phone network uses a different button for that purpose.  I have Verizon, which uses “star.”  It also sucks gigantic elephant cock, but that’s a post for another day.  Often I’ll call someone and try to skip the preamble by pressing “star,” but on that person’s network “star” takes you into the voice mailbox, and there’s no way out.  I have to hang up, call back, sit through 45 seconds of instructions, and finally leave a message, including an explanation that I’m not an idiot, I just called twice in a row because I wanted to skip the voicemail instructions but your network uses a different bypass code than mine and I wound up in your mailbox so I had to hang up and call again.

This pisses me off to no end.


6 Responses to Phone Phollies

  1. Mike says:


  2. Rachael says:

    I tell people not to ever leave my voice messages because I hate sitting through that shit to check them. Please enter your passcode…. you have TWO new messages… new message ONE from FRIDAY OCTOBER SIXTEENTH from callback number NINE-ONE-NINE-FIVE-THREE-SEVEN-FOUR-TWO-FOUR-TWO… Hey I wanted to ask you something, give me a call back… rinse, repeat. If I see a missed call from you, I will call back, a message is only needed in an emergency.

    I also don’t leave messages, for this and other reasons.

  3. Jess says:

    I hate when people call twice or more times because they can’t figure out how to leave a message. So fucking stupid…

  4. Eric says:

    The purpose of the computer woman is to drive up cell phone minutes and make the phone companies even more money.

  5. Einam says:

    So…now even Sagat pisses trajectories on Busta.

  6. Scott says:

    One thing about this is people need to consider suicide if they haven’t set up their own voicemail to skip all this computer woman bullshit. Do some reading, make it go straight to beep after your outgoing message. Every phone can do this. Don’t make people sit through that, c’mon.

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