Yo Ho Ho And A Bottle of AIDS

26 April 2009

Recent headlines have been dominated by the exploits of Somali pirates.  I think it’s kind of cool that piracy is making a comeback, but these so-called “pirates” are a disgrace to their craft.  If you’re going to call yourself a pirate, you need to go all the way: get yourself a parrot and an eye patch, hoist the jolly roger, and pepper your speech with endearing turns of phrase.  Such romanticism might earn you a bit of sympathy.  If you’re just some African guy with an AK-47, all you’ll earn is a sniper’s bullet in the head.  To sum up:

pirate63

Pirate.

Not a pirate.

Not a pirate.


Stop Saying These Things

10 April 2009

Fear not, Moral Hazard fans: the blog carries on.  It’s just that between my schoolwork and the Mike’s untimely death from a marijuana overdose, it’s been difficult to post frequently.  You’ll just have to savor each drop of science a bit more slowly, taking in one brilliant word at a time.  Today’s post concerns things that people say far too often.  This is an urgent matter, so let’s get right to it.

  1. “Bless you.”  The custom of saying this after a sneeze dates back to the unwashed morons of the Middle Ages, who believed that the soul could depart and evil spirits could enter the body during sternutation.  I guess saying “bless you” was supposed to alert God to the sneeze so He could quickly rectify the situation.  Whatever.  Anyway, here we are, a millennium later, and people are still saying this stupid shit.  I urge all MH readers to help put an end to this nonsense by responding to “bless you” with “go fuck yourself,” or, even better, a punch to the testicles/ovaries.
  2. “I’m sorry.”   I understand saying “sorry” if you run over someone’s dog or have sex with his wife, but why do people feel the need to apologize for trivial things that aren’t even their fault?  Why should you be sorry for bumping shoulders with someone on a crowded bus?  Why should you be sorry for pushing a door open as someone is about to pull it open from the other side?  Why should you be sorry for removing something from the locker next to mine?  The word “sorry” loses all meaning when it’s used in trifling, blameless, unavoidable circumstances such as these.
  3. “Thank you.”  Like “I’m sorry,” this is a phrase that is losing its meaning due to overuse.  Why do people thank me for returning an object I’ve borrowed?  They did me a favor, so I should be thanking them (and I do).  Similarly, why do people thank the cashier for selling them something?  Are people that grateful for the opportunity to pay for a box of tic tacs?  Knock this shit off already.
  4. “Actually.”  I don’t think people even know what this means.  Damn near every day I hear things like “I actually had the fish, and it was actually really good.  It’s actually better than the chicken.  By the way, I am an idiot.”  Why don’t you actually shut the fuck up before I actually jam my fist down your actual throat?
  5. “Literally.”  This has been pointed out quite a bit; there’s even a blog dedicated to the misuse of the word.  Nonetheless, it really pisses me off when people use the word “literally” before saying something figurative.  You’ll even encounter this in newspaper and magazine articles.  What journalism school did these hacks attend?  It literally makes my blood boil.