ESPN Pranksta Strikes Again

14 July 2009

I caught a bit of the Home Run Derby last night and saw a new feature ESPN has added to its telecast: when the ball is hit, they digitally put a yellow tail on it so you can see its flight path.  What do they call this feature?  “Ball Track.”

And if you think that’s suggestive, wait until you hear what happened at the end of the first round.  Three players were tied for the last spot in the semifinals, so they had to have – wait for it – a “bat-off.”  I don’t know how the broadcasters managed to keep straight faces as they talked at length about three guys batting off.

This is even better than your last work, ESPN prankster.  You can write for this blog anytime.


A Call For Racial Understanding

10 July 2009

I don’t think this blog has any black readers, but in case one happens along I’d really appreciate an answer to the following question:

What is the deal with the sagging pants?

At some point in the early nineties, for reasons I can’t even begin to fathom, black people decided that this was a good look:

Lookin' good, fellas.

Lookin' good, fellas.

In general, black fashion is very fluid, changing quickly with the times.  But here we are, 15 years later, and it’s only gotten worse.  Every time I go downtown I encounter several young men whose pants are so low that they have to shuffle around like penguins.  Given the obvious practical drawbacks and utter ridiculousness of this style, one wonders what keeps it going.  I’ve come up with three possible explanations; I don’t find any of them particularly convincing, but they’re all I’ve got.

1) More efficient shitting.  When you’re prairie doggin’, each piece of clothing between your ass and the toilet increases the probability of skid marks or, in the worst case,  an inside-the-pants assplosion.


"You know why I like you, Harry? 'Cause you're a regular guy."

To test this hypothesis, I propose a nationwide study to determine whether black people have cleaner underwear than other races.  Grant writers, this is your chance.

2) Better underwear display.  What’s the point of buying expensive Tommy Hilfiger drawers if you can’t show them off?  By the way, I claim that any guy who buys underwear that comes in anything other than an economy-size plastic bag is a homosexual.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

3) Certain gazelles exhibit an unusual behavior known as “stotting“: when the animal sees a predator, it jumps repeatedly into the air, deliberately putting itself at a disadvantage.  Evolutionary biologists believe that stotting signals to a predator that the gazelle is healthy and therefore not worth chasing.

This gazelle wears its pants WAY low.

This gazelle wears its pants WAY low.

Perhaps allowing one’s pants to sag sends the signal, “I’m such a good fighter that I can afford to practically immobilize my legs, so don’t even bother messing with me.”  This hypothesis could be tested by looking for an inverse correlation between physical fitness and pant height among black men.  I’m taking this to the NSF.