Question

I’d like to share a question that’s always puzzled me: how many toddlers would it take to kill me?  Suppose that we’re in the middle of a large, enclosed space and that no weapons are available.  On the one hand, I feel like I should be able to kill toddlers indefinitely; after all, what damage could they do?  On the other hand, killing them would be tiring, and it seems like there must be some number of them that would be overwhelming.  I honestly don’t have a good idea of what this number might be, so I’d like to appeal to the wisdom of crowds:

Please respond to the poll and post your reasoning to comments.

Edit (19-10-09): A reader pointed me to this resource.  It’s about fighting 6- and 7-year-olds, but some of the principles apply.

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8 Responses to Question

  1. Kelly says:

    200+ You’re going to die eventually if they just keep sending them in. At some point you’re just going to pass out from exhaustion and then one could stick her dirty filthy toddler arm down your throat. But even though they are almost as tall as you, I still think you’d pick them off for at least a couple of hours.

  2. Dan says:

    So you think that if you were given breaks for eating and sleeping you could kill them indefinitely? That is, there’s no quantity that could overwhelm you with sheer numbers?

  3. Kelly says:

    If it became your job to kill toddlers I think you could do it until retirement. Numbers won’t matter to them because they’ll all start panicking the moment you start killing them. You’re not going to train a bunch of kids that can cry when you look at them into an organized gang of killers. You’re just going to kill them all day until you get bored. Don’t confuse their speed for power; toddlers are like squirrels-just because they move fast doesn’t mean they can hurt you. And I’ll make another prediction: if you tried to do this you would spend less time in jail than Michael Vick. Just saying…

  4. Barack Hussein says:

    If you were able to rest and eat between fights, you could probably kill them forever. Without breaks, you would probably tire out at around 125 toddlers, at which point you would be vulnerable to bites and attacks on the eyes. If the goal was to beat the toddlers without killing them, the number would be far higher.

  5. Dan says:

    They may not be organized, but if they all were set on killing you, they might wind up acting more or less in concert.

  6. Kelly says:

    If they had the capacity to be set on killing something they would be a threat. They’re toddlers. They’re not even capable of recognizing that Achilles is a hero because he does heroic things. Even that is beyond them.

    Here’s my strategy. Use one toddler as a baseball bat using her head to hit others in the head. Once that one dies I’d pick up another and continue, stomping on the heads on incapacitated toddlers as necessary. Once they catch on to whats happening they’re going to panic, and any “organized” attack will end. Face it, it’s just going to look like Jonestown, but with toddlers and less KoolAid.

  7. Patricia says:

    A good strategy might be to build a fortress out of the ones you incapacitate. If a good kick to the head knocks each one out, it wouldn’t be too hard to start stacking them around yourself. A little wall behind you would prevent rear attacks. A circle with a small entry would allow you to take them on one at a time as they entered, which would be easy enough. One at a time they’d be added to the wall. A complete circle of toddlers a few feet high might keep them out entirely or confuse them if you were to crouch, and even if they knocked down the wall it would take them forever to crawl over it, giving you time to rest and strategize.

  8. Damien says:

    i was thinking more in the 1-2 range

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