It Doesn’t Work That Way

17 March 2010

Once again, the hopeless clusterfuck that is the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is in the news.  Israel’s plans to build 1,600 new homes in East Jerusalem has prompted Palestinian riots and drawn criticism from the international community; even the fiercely pro-Israel United States has condemned the decision.

This criticism usually turns on the notion that East Jerusalem, like the West Bank, Gaza Strip, and Golan Heights, is an “occupied territory” and that Israel has no right to be there.   It is true that these regions were not within the original borders of Israel, but for some reason nobody ever mentions how they came to be occupied.

In 1967, Egypt, Jordan, and Syria decided to attack Israel; Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Tunisia, Morocco, and Algeria also contributed troops and arms.  Israel had 50,000 troops; its opponents, over 500,000.  The stage was set for a Europorn-style gangbang.  Instead, the Arabs got their shit absolutely ruined in a mere six days, suffering over 20,000 casualties while  Israel lost fewer than 1,000.

During this epic ass-reaming, Israel prudently took control of the territories from which it was attacked.   Ever since then the Arabs have been demanding this land back, delicately making their case by firing rockets at civilians.  News flash, assholes: IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY.  If I try to mug Steven Seagal and he breaks my arms and takes my gun, I don’t get to ask for the gun back.  If you had devoted your energies to building yourselves up rather than to tearing your neighbor down, you’d still have your precious patches of desert.

Speaking of which, I find it funny that some of the fiercest fighting is over some of the worst places on the planet.

More like "land of milk and dogshit."

Since the religious fanatics involved in this dispute cannot be dissuaded from their idiotic belief that God gave them this land, the only solution I see is for the secular Israelis to pick up all their stuff and move to Mexico, as suggested by Christian Slater in the underrated movie “Very Bad Things.”  The ex-Israelis would have Mexico humming in short order; meanwhile Israel, left to the Palestinians and ultra-orthodox Jews, would degenerate from modern, productive democracy to yet another backwards, third-world Middle East hellhole in about 0.4 seconds.

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Tiger’s Wood

1 March 2010

For the past few months, all the major “news” outlets have been abuzz with the following “scandal”: Tiger Woods, the greatest golfer of all time, the wealthiest athlete in history,  a charismatic young billionaire who also happens to be strikingly handsome, likes to fuck women who aren’t his wife.

I’ll pause for a moment to allow that stunning revelation to sink in.

Seriously, though: why is this news?  Of course Tiger Woods lays pipe; that’s the whole point of being a rich superstar athlete.  Do people really expect this Nietzschean Übermensch to jack off to softcore porn in his hotel room like the rest of us when there are beautiful women queuing up to satisfy his every sexual fantasy?  Come off it.

I could have sex with him and it wouldn't even be gay.

More importantly, why do we even know about this? How is Tiger’s sex life anyone’s business?  This is the stuff of trashy tabloids, and yet it’s the top story on CNN, MSNBC, the New York Times, and other so-called “legitimate” news outlets.  I suppose I can’t place all the blame on the media, since they only report what will bring in ratings.  We’re a nation of prudish busybodies that cares more about what a golfer does with his cock than about issues of genuine importance; how pathetic is that?