It Doesn’t Work That Way

Once again, the hopeless clusterfuck that is the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is in the news.  Israel’s plans to build 1,600 new homes in East Jerusalem has prompted Palestinian riots and drawn criticism from the international community; even the fiercely pro-Israel United States has condemned the decision.

This criticism usually turns on the notion that East Jerusalem, like the West Bank, Gaza Strip, and Golan Heights, is an “occupied territory” and that Israel has no right to be there.   It is true that these regions were not within the original borders of Israel, but for some reason nobody ever mentions how they came to be occupied.

In 1967, Egypt, Jordan, and Syria decided to attack Israel; Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Tunisia, Morocco, and Algeria also contributed troops and arms.  Israel had 50,000 troops; its opponents, over 500,000.  The stage was set for a Europorn-style gangbang.  Instead, the Arabs got their shit absolutely ruined in a mere six days, suffering over 20,000 casualties while  Israel lost fewer than 1,000.

During this epic ass-reaming, Israel prudently took control of the territories from which it was attacked.   Ever since then the Arabs have been demanding this land back, delicately making their case by firing rockets at civilians.  News flash, assholes: IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY.  If I try to mug Steven Seagal and he breaks my arms and takes my gun, I don’t get to ask for the gun back.  If you had devoted your energies to building yourselves up rather than to tearing your neighbor down, you’d still have your precious patches of desert.

Speaking of which, I find it funny that some of the fiercest fighting is over some of the worst places on the planet.

More like "land of milk and dogshit."

Since the religious fanatics involved in this dispute cannot be dissuaded from their idiotic belief that God gave them this land, the only solution I see is for the secular Israelis to pick up all their stuff and move to Mexico, as suggested by Christian Slater in the underrated movie “Very Bad Things.”  The ex-Israelis would have Mexico humming in short order; meanwhile Israel, left to the Palestinians and ultra-orthodox Jews, would degenerate from modern, productive democracy to yet another backwards, third-world Middle East hellhole in about 0.4 seconds.


5 Responses to It Doesn’t Work That Way

  1. Mike says:

    Can’t beat the Uganda plan.

  2. einam says:

    If you try to mug Steven Seagal today, all you’ll find is donuts

  3. Dan says:

    An Israeli reads this and his only comment is a Steven Seagal fat joke? Disappointing.

    I do like the idea that Seagal carries donuts on his person, though. That is true fat dedication.

  4. Jacob Harry says:

    Good article.

  5. Nick says:

    If you tried to mug Steven Seagal, you might get raped instead.

    I intended to let this one go until I saw the final paragraph. I agree with Slater on this one. It’ll make NAFTA a lot better for us, too.

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