Fuck Oprah

3 May 2010

If you haven’t seen BBC’s nature documentary series Planet Earth, you’re really missing out.  Using innovative technologies and camera techniques, the producers of Planet Earth captured some of the most amazing footage I’ve ever seen.  Behold:

If that doesn’t give you a boner, check your pulse.  This is what nature documentaries are all about: CARNAGE.  I don’t even know how much I’d pay for a documentary that focused exclusively on animals ripping each other to shreds.  Get on it, BBC.

Planet Earth is narrated, of course, by David Attenborough, the avuncular Brit who’s narrated damn near every nature documentary ever made.  And with good reason – his voice is clear and mellifluous and, as a naturalist, his passion for the subject matter always shines through.

Last week I caught an episode of of Life, the BBC’s follow-up to Planet Earth, on the Discovery Channel.  The photography in Life is phenomenal, surpassing even that of Planet Earth. Too bad the Discovery Channel ruined it by replacing the original Attenborough narration with Oprah Fucking Winfrey.

What the hell were they thinking?  Did they really think that American viewers wouldn’t be able to understand Attenborough?  Somehow this hasn’t been a problem with the thousands of other documentaries he’s narrated, including Planet Earth, which flies off American shelves.

Moreover, why Oprah?  Does she have an amazing voice?  Does she know jack shit about nature?  No and no.  Besides, doesn’t she have enough money already?  If you insist on an American accent, why not give the part to an unknown voice actor?  Hell, even someone pulled off the street at random probably would have done a better job than Oprah – just look at these amazon reviews.  Get your heads out of your asses, Discovery Channel.

This Oprah fiasco is just another instance of the recent trend toward enriching established stars rather than giving fresh faces a chance.  A few months ago I made the mistake of seeing the animated movie Fantastic Mr. Fox. Not only did the movie suck aardvark balls, it pissed me off to hear George Clooney and Meryl Streep playing the lead voice roles.  What’s the point?  It’s a fucking cartoon; the actors don’t even appear on the screen.  I’m sure they could have paid a couple of unknowns to do at least as good a job for a fraction the fee.  Share the wealth, producers!