Danica Who?

You know what pisses me off?  The fact that I know who Danica Patrick is.  I don’t give a flying fuck about racing and can hardly name any good drivers, let alone anyone as mediocre as she is. But every time SportsCenter covers a racing event in which Danica Patrick competed, the main story is how she did (poorly, invariably); the winner is barely mentioned.  They do the same thing with Tiger Woods, but there’s an important difference: Tiger is the greatest golfer of all time.  At the time of this writing, Patrick has been in 89 races; she’s won exactly one of them and has zero titles to her name.  From 2005-2009, her IndyCar ranks were 12th, 9th, 7th, 6th, and 5th; she’s currently ranked 11th in the 2010 season.

So why is she famous?  Because she competes with men?  It’s  driving; why shouldn’t women be able to compete with men? (Then again, you could say the same thing about chess, in which women have their own competitions and titles.)  And don’t say it’s because she’s attractive.  Anna Kournikova, who also sucked at her sport, is attractive.  As for Danica, maybe she would be considered attractive around the trailer park in which she was probably spawned, but the bitch is downright homely:

Get me a six-pack and a paper bag, stat!

Sure, she looks passable in the magazine spreads she’s done and those godawful GoDaddy commercials, but she must spend hours in the makeup studio before those shoots.  Those makeup artists are so good that they could have meathead Maxim readers jacking off to me.

Finally, what the fuck kind of name is Danica?  It’s like her redneck parents were trying to decide between Danielle and Jessica and just said, “gawrsh, how ’bout both?”  This is an example of the increasing trend among white people to give their kids ridiculous names.  Just look at this list: the top boy name in 2009 was “Aiden.”  Are you fucking kidding me?  And it doesn’t stop there.  Look through the list and you’ll find lots of names that fall into one or more of the following categories:

1) Last names: Madison, Carter, Taylor, Connor.  These are last names.  Enough said.  Often overlap with…

2) Occupations: Porter, Cooper, Hunter.  What’s next, “Janitor?”

3) White trash names: Hayley, Kayla, Cailyn, Kadence, Bailey.  As you can see, the girls tend to get stuck with these.  If you want your daughter to be a stripper, just give her one of these names, which often feature…

4) Misspellings: Natalee, Ashleigh, Allisyn, Jakob.  Great way to make everyone think your kid is stupid (and they’re probably right).

5) Pussy names: Aiden, Tristan, Brayden.  Giving your son one of these names increases tenfold his odds of ending up on the business end of a gloryhole.

Where did this trend come from? These retarded names are even more obnoxious than the ridiculous names black people give their children, which at least can often be original and amusing.  Parents, when it comes to names, don’t try to get cute; remember that you’re not the one who’s going to have to live with the name for the rest of your life.  Keep it simple and classic: Tom, Bob, Al, Mary, Alice, Beth, etc.  There are plenty to choose from.


10 Responses to Danica Who?

  1. Janitor Uprising says:

    What do you have against sticking it to the machine and fighting the status quo? Giving a child a name like Mary is akin to accepting the code of norms handed to us by society, which says that naming children after (monotheistic) religious figures and good ol’ traditional folks is appropriate, while creativity, individualism and thoughtful edginess are not. Although my own name is not exactly a good example of this, I think that it is possible for parents to give children respectable names that will not impede their progress through life without pulling them from the list of saints and patriots.

  2. Dan says:

    If you want to “stick it to the machine” and “fight the status quo,” do it on your own; don’t force your child to advance your agenda by saddling him with a stupid and potentially injurious name.

  3. Peter Angelos (Peter The Great, Petey Boy, Peter The Terrible, Pete The Greek) says:

    Haha good post.

  4. Patricia says:

    Nice post. I agree with Janitor, though, that there must be some sort of compromise possible on the name issue. Aren’t there names that are both non-injurious and non-sheeplike, and subtle enough that the kid won’t be beaten up in school or denied employment?
    I also think that (non-pussy) gender-neutral names aren’t given enough credit. They have the advantage of conveying very little information about the person, which could be useful when applying for jobs, writing articles, etc. It’s not clear why a person’s name ought to indicate their sex anyhow. It’s not terribly relevant information unless you’re thinking about boning the person or if you’re their doctor, but in those cases you get the same information from another source like vision or a medical form.

  5. Larry Connor says:

    I’m totally naming my first kid Connor.

    That way he can be Connor Connor Connor. Either he’ll learn to fight young or he’ll die. Darwinism in action baby!!!

    Either that or John/Sarah Connor, just to see if a machine comes from the future to try to kill them.

  6. Bruce Bryton says:

    Can you look in your crystal ball and tell us how to judge someone with the name ‘Dan’? After all, it’s half of ‘Danica’…

  7. Dan says:

    Sure thing, Bruce. Someone with the name “Dan” is likely be a heroic figure swift of mind, striking of appearance, and equine of cock. Women want him, men want to be him.

  8. Bruce Bryton says:

    Qualifying your statement with “likely” is wise. Others will judge for themselves.

  9. roger acker says:

    Damn man you have all that shit spot on.

  10. Annabelle says:

    oh my god. can I marry you. this is just the shakespear of the 21st century. thankgod not everyone out there thinksmix moshing words is a great idea. some girl in my 8th grade class was named rosabel because her moms name was annalie and her grand mothers name was rosalie. poor child. and my sisters best friends name is forest. do they put meth and crack in these parents morphine while they’re in labor?

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