Fuck You and Your Smartphone

20 March 2014

Smartphones are without a doubt among mankind’s most extraordinary achievements; it is impossible to overstate the usefulness of holding all of human knowledge in the palm of one’s hand. Unfortunately, most of those hands belong to mouthbreathers whose misuse of these devices has dropped our collective IQ into retard territory.

On second thought, that might be unfair to retarded people, most of whom can ably perform the basic human function of walking. This activity is rather challenging for many smartphone users, whose desperate need to stare at a tiny screen at all times causes them to swerve, trip, and run into stationary objects. What was once a pleasant stroll through town now feels like being in some kind of Atari game in which you must dodge randomly moving enemies. Just kidding, I shoulder-check these dipshits with everything I’ve got.

Where the smartphone becomes a real menace, of course, is when Sally Shit-For-Brains decides to take a drive down to the Wal-Mart. Apparently driving is now just downtime to be filled with other activities; piloting a multi-ton vehicle no longer requires much attention. At least a third of the drivers I see on a daily basis are yammering away or even texting as they bumble along. Honking at the dimwit who just sits there after the light turns green is now so routine that I expect the DMV to add it to driving manuals. Thanks to smartphones, people can’t even be alone with their thoughts for 20 seconds; instead, it’s “DUUUUH, RED LIGHT, BETTER CHECK FACEBOOK!”

If you’re one of these people, you’re the reason we can’t have nice things. Please die in a fire.



Phone Phollies

10 December 2008

Question: Why is it that every time I reach someone’s voicemail I have to hear this?

Computer Bitch: “You have reached the voice mailbox of five…one…zero…six…eight…one…four…three…seven…three.  To leave a voice message, begin speaking after the tone.  When you are finished recording, you may hang up, or press one for more options.  To leave a callback number, press three.”

Man…FUNK DAT! Gee, thanks Computer Bitch, I would never have known how to leave a message without your thorough instructions.  What the fuck?  It’s 2008; even the Bushmen of the Kalahari know how to leave a goddamn voicemail.  And has anyone ever left a “callback number?”  I don’t even know what that is.  Beep, talk, hang up.  There don’t need to be any other options, and there’s certainly no need to waste my time explaining them.

This wouldn’t be so irritating if there were an easy way to bypass it, but each phone network uses a different button for that purpose.  I have Verizon, which uses “star.”  It also sucks gigantic elephant cock, but that’s a post for another day.  Often I’ll call someone and try to skip the preamble by pressing “star,” but on that person’s network “star” takes you into the voice mailbox, and there’s no way out.  I have to hang up, call back, sit through 45 seconds of instructions, and finally leave a message, including an explanation that I’m not an idiot, I just called twice in a row because I wanted to skip the voicemail instructions but your network uses a different bypass code than mine and I wound up in your mailbox so I had to hang up and call again.

This pisses me off to no end.