9 January 2012

I’m convinced that football announcers are engaged in some sort of competition for who can say the word “football” the most. Rarely will they just say “ball,” “team,” or “game”; instead, it’s always “football,” “football team,” or “football game,” as in “this football team needs to take better care of the football better if they’re going to win this football game.” Do we really need constant reminders of what sport we’re watching? Is there really some confused soul out there who would otherwise think he’s watching bobsledding?

Speaking of football, last night I watched the injury-plagued Pittsburgh Steelers lose painfully to the Denver Broncos, thanks in part to a good performance by the Broncos’ below-average-yet-inexplicably-popular quarterback, Tim Tebow. Tebow is known for his open displays of his Christian faith, such as kneeling in prayer during games and crediting the lord for his performances. Many have mocked him for this, but I have not yet taken the opportunity to do so publicly. I’d just like to make two points:

1) Tebow, who is 24 years old, has a conception of religion more simplistic and juvenile than that of an average six-year-old . Apparently he thinks of God as a personal fairy godmother who can’t be bothered to stop famine or earthquakes, but will gladly make an opponent miss a field goal if his pal Timmy asks him nicely.

2) He’s a virgin. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

What a Christ-humping douche.


Donut Puncher

20 January 2010

While food shopping in Pittsburgh’s Strip District last weekend I happened by a large crowd of freaky people raising a ruckus in front of a store on Smallman Street.  I asked one of them what all the commotion was about and was told that they were protesting a new hippie-themed bakery called “Peace, Love, and Little Donuts.”

Why?  It turns out that the store’s owner, Ron Razete, is a far-right wing nut who maintained a blog (now taken down) in which he called homosexuals an “immoral minority,” expressed his admiration for Joe McCarthy, and so forth.


Mr. Razete is entitled to express his beliefs, and if he’d called his store “Ron’s Donuts” or “The God Hates Fags Olde-Tyme Sweet Shoppe,” nobody would have given a flying fuck.  Well, people might have been a bit upset about the second name, but at least Razete could not have been accused of misrepresenting himself.  Instead, he tried to con the very people he disdains as sinful and un-American into handing him their money.  Ron, did you really think you’d get away with this, or do you genuinely lack even the faintest idea of what the hippies stood for?

On a related note, why are Christians so hung up on homosexuality?  I’m no biblical scholar, but I’m fairly certain that the Bible in general and the New Testament in particular devote considerably more ink to charity and forgiveness than to homosexuality.  Despite this, it seems that many “Christians” devote far more time and energy to persecuting people for what they do in their bedrooms than to helping the poor.

Furthermore, I don’t hear Ron Razete and his ilk calling for adulterers to be stoned to death, even though this prescription, along with many others that any decent human being would find abhorrent, can be found in the same biblical passages that condemn homosexuality.  Presumably, these people quite correctly figure that certain aspects of biblical morality are too antiquated for our modern society.  Thus, they are holding biblical morality up to some higher ethical standard, which raises the obvious question: why not just employ this higher standard exclusively and dismiss the Bible as a moral authority?  Perhaps society can find a way to carry on without guidance from an inconsistent, inaccurate, derivative and poorly translated scroll.

On the Origin of Species: Fucked by the short dick of intellectual inadequacy

19 November 2009

Here’s the video.  I apologize ahead of time for the stress and ulcers:

The peckerwood you see in above video is none other than Kirk Cameron, a shit-actor from the 80’s who has transitioned quite nicely into a has-been shit-actor in the 00’s.  Unfortunately, unlike other talentless hacks from his era, Kirk is under the ill-informed impression that he has something to contribute to anybody.

Kirk has become perhaps more famous in recent years by his exploits with his band of Creationist goons.  Using arguments that a sixteen-year-old from the Enlightenment could derail, Kirk and his squad depend heavily on the fact that the religious zealots buying his shit don’t read.  They don’t read the Bible, and they sure as hell don’t read anything else.  How else do you push arguments that David fucking Hume blew holes in hundreds of years ago?

At any rate, this time they added a new foreword to On the Origin of Species, chock full of ridiculous claims and equivocations.  These idiots can’t even separate the big bang theory from evolution in their muddled, half-sentient heads, even after beating them against the topic for well over a decade.

I don’t have the time or energy to step into all of the things wrong with this video.  If you feel the need to fly into a rage today, then watch it.

The thing that bothers me the most about shit like this isn’t even how absurd it is.  It’s that people like Cameron are the intellectual pinnacle of a large swath of the American public.  These shitty, invalid, factually inaccurate, straw-man, non-sequitur arguments are so obviously wrong that even watery chunks of my shit know they’ve met their match.  Like Glenn Beck, Cameron is the voice of a generation: a generation of bottom-feeding, toothless red-necks who don’t know their asses from a hole in the ground.

My mind got blown on Halloween

2 November 2008

This year on Halloween, I dressed up as Jesus.  Here’s photo evidence, taken with Dan’s interrogation lamp:

Died for the win.

Died for the win.

So anyway, I was walking around at a party, and this crowd of people called “Jesus! Come teach us!”

I walked to them, raised my arms into the air, and proclaimed:

Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.

Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

A few people started laughing, and quite a few were dumbfounded.  One girl looked at me and said “Wow, is that like… something that Confucius said?” to which I replied “IT’S THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT YOU FUCKING IDIOT.”  Everybody had a good chuckle at the girl’s expense.

I seriously felt like turning the table in front of her over and chasing her out of the house with a walking stick.  You might feel like I’m a prick for chastising her, but think about the chain of reasoning she had to have gone through.

Not recognizing the sermon on the mount is one thing, but not recognizing the words as Jesus’ words given ample contextual clues (like the guy delivering the words being dressed like JESUS CHRIST for example) is another.  Besides, when does Confucius talk about glorifying God in Heaven?

Inebriation is no excuse either, seeing as how I was out of my mind when delivering the sermon.  The ignorance of some people is simply fucking astounding.  To make matters worse, I bet this chick is going to go vote on November 4th.  Bravo, Democracy.


29 October 2008

Came across this picture that illustrates Christianity’s “Doctrine of the Trinity” recently:


Oh hey, thanks for clearing that up.

Oh hey, thanks for clearing that up.

Father = God

Son = God

Father =/= Son