9 January 2012

I’m convinced that football announcers are engaged in some sort of competition for who can say the word “football” the most. Rarely will they just say “ball,” “team,” or “game”; instead, it’s always “football,” “football team,” or “football game,” as in “this football team needs to take better care of the football better if they’re going to win this football game.” Do we really need constant reminders of what sport we’re watching? Is there really some confused soul out there who would otherwise think he’s watching bobsledding?

Speaking of football, last night I watched the injury-plagued Pittsburgh Steelers lose painfully to the Denver Broncos, thanks in part to a good performance by the Broncos’ below-average-yet-inexplicably-popular quarterback, Tim Tebow. Tebow is known for his open displays of his Christian faith, such as kneeling in prayer during games and crediting the lord for his performances. Many have mocked him for this, but I have not yet taken the opportunity to do so publicly. I’d just like to make two points:

1) Tebow, who is 24 years old, has a conception of religion more simplistic and juvenile than that of an average six-year-old . Apparently he thinks of God as a personal fairy godmother who can’t be bothered to stop famine or earthquakes, but will gladly make an opponent miss a field goal if his pal Timmy asks him nicely.

2) He’s a virgin. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

What a Christ-humping douche.


At Least the Browns Weren’t Involved

18 February 2009

SportsCenter displays a scrollbar on the right of the screen with snippets of upcoming stories.  One of this morning’s stories was the release of injured Saints running back Deuce McAllister.  The snippet: “Deuce Released.”

…and to hear the lamentations of the women.

22 November 2008

I know most people care about today’s NC State/UNC football game about as much as they care about Harvard/Yale (congrats Harvard, it was a hard-fought victory).  However, I needed to dedicate some bytes to the absolute slaughter that occurred in Chapel Hill today.  In fact, if you go out to Kenan stadium now, I think they’re still planting grass over the fresh graves.

Im sure their boyfriends will miss them.

I'm sure their boyfriends will miss them.

Final score: 41 – 10.  Forty-one to ten. I’m going to let the magnitude of that ass-kicking set in.

UNC fans’ usual coping mechanism for loss is to pretend that the game didn’t really matter anyway.  Usually this works to save their fragile feelings, but today’s slaughter was too sweet to ignore.  Not only does this put UNC in jeopardy of not being selected for a bowl, but it also drops their ranking (they were ranked 25 before this game, I believe).

Oh, wait, I’m forgetting something.  Today was Senior Day at UNC.

That’s right, you pieces of shit.  Wallow in your crippling defeat on your own Senior Day.  I hope you cry and agonize over the sheer embarrassment and massive disappointment.

Saw a lot of this shit going on in the stands on camera today. If only I could fill up a kiddy pool full of their tears and bathe in it.

Saw a lot of this shit going on in the stands on camera today. If only I could fill up a kiddy pool full of their tears and bathe in it.

UNC fans are graceless winners and sore losers.  I’m glad to see them get their shit wrecked in a way they can’t play off or ignore.

Big shout out to Tom O’Brien for not calling off the beating.  You should never beat a man while he’s down; but then again, I’ve never seen a man wearing a UNC football jersey.