We Surrender

22 June 2011

A few weeks ago I saw the movie Confederate States of America, a “mockumentary” that speculates as to what America’s history and present would look like if the South had won the Civil War. It was a fairly entertaining and thought-provoking film, but I must take issue with their depiction of the present-day Confederacy. In the movie, the country is essentially the same as today’s America, with the notable exception of continued slavery (real whip-cracking slavery, not the minimum-wage, non unionized quasi-slavery into which our country is rapidly descending).

I find it highly improbable that the Confederacy would even exist nowadays, much less as a modern world superpower. What has the South contributed to the world since the cotton gin? Answer: JACK SHIT. The states in the northeast and west coast have made this country what it is today, and while these states would still be part of the Confederacy, anyone with half a brain would have left the country immediately rather than be governed by inbred chucklefucks, much as the few intelligent people unfortunate enough to be born in Mississippi move to New York or San Francisco as soon as they turn 18.

There is no question that our country would be much better off today without the South or any of the other red states. They embarrass us with their proud ignorance and anti-intellectualism, denying climate change and teaching creationism in schools. They keep us from attaining financial solvency by generating little revenue and taking far more than their share in entitlement spending, all the while complaining that we spend too much on these very programs. They prevent us from joining the rest of the western world by implementing universal health care, because apparently that would violate their constitutional right to die of diabetes at age 46; besides, where does it say anything in the bible about helping poor sick people? The list goes on and on, leading one to marvel at the fact that a war was once fought to keep these backwaters in the union.

This brings me to an idea I’ve had for some time: why don’t we, the Union, retroactively concede the Civil War? Any state that voted for Bush in 2004 is free to go; if they choose to stay, they must become wards of the state. You know how rednecks like to talk about how the South will rise again? Well, this is your chance, motherfuckers! Let’s see how well you morons do without all of us liberal elitists shouldering the burden. Two conditions: (1) No slavery. This shouldn’t be an issue; as much as many southerners would love to bring that institution back, I somehow don’t see black people having that shit these days. (2) No foreign aid. This will be an issue, as without this condition there’s no doubt that the Confederacy would be in Washington within months, begging for money to repair their crumbling infrastructure.

You won't be missed.








Danica Who?

11 June 2010

You know what pisses me off?  The fact that I know who Danica Patrick is.  I don’t give a flying fuck about racing and can hardly name any good drivers, let alone anyone as mediocre as she is. But every time SportsCenter covers a racing event in which Danica Patrick competed, the main story is how she did (poorly, invariably); the winner is barely mentioned.  They do the same thing with Tiger Woods, but there’s an important difference: Tiger is the greatest golfer of all time.  At the time of this writing, Patrick has been in 89 races; she’s won exactly one of them and has zero titles to her name.  From 2005-2009, her IndyCar ranks were 12th, 9th, 7th, 6th, and 5th; she’s currently ranked 11th in the 2010 season.

So why is she famous?  Because she competes with men?  It’s  driving; why shouldn’t women be able to compete with men? (Then again, you could say the same thing about chess, in which women have their own competitions and titles.)  And don’t say it’s because she’s attractive.  Anna Kournikova, who also sucked at her sport, is attractive.  As for Danica, maybe she would be considered attractive around the trailer park in which she was probably spawned, but the bitch is downright homely:

Get me a six-pack and a paper bag, stat!

Sure, she looks passable in the magazine spreads she’s done and those godawful GoDaddy commercials, but she must spend hours in the makeup studio before those shoots.  Those makeup artists are so good that they could have meathead Maxim readers jacking off to me.

Finally, what the fuck kind of name is Danica?  It’s like her redneck parents were trying to decide between Danielle and Jessica and just said, “gawrsh, how ’bout both?”  This is an example of the increasing trend among white people to give their kids ridiculous names.  Just look at this list: the top boy name in 2009 was “Aiden.”  Are you fucking kidding me?  And it doesn’t stop there.  Look through the list and you’ll find lots of names that fall into one or more of the following categories:

1) Last names: Madison, Carter, Taylor, Connor.  These are last names.  Enough said.  Often overlap with…

2) Occupations: Porter, Cooper, Hunter.  What’s next, “Janitor?”

3) White trash names: Hayley, Kayla, Cailyn, Kadence, Bailey.  As you can see, the girls tend to get stuck with these.  If you want your daughter to be a stripper, just give her one of these names, which often feature…

4) Misspellings: Natalee, Ashleigh, Allisyn, Jakob.  Great way to make everyone think your kid is stupid (and they’re probably right).

5) Pussy names: Aiden, Tristan, Brayden.  Giving your son one of these names increases tenfold his odds of ending up on the business end of a gloryhole.

Where did this trend come from? These retarded names are even more obnoxious than the ridiculous names black people give their children, which at least can often be original and amusing.  Parents, when it comes to names, don’t try to get cute; remember that you’re not the one who’s going to have to live with the name for the rest of your life.  Keep it simple and classic: Tom, Bob, Al, Mary, Alice, Beth, etc.  There are plenty to choose from.

A subject very close to my heart.

29 October 2008

While it’s hard to believe for those who know me, I spent twenty-four years of my life in the American South.  For those who don’t know me — it’s surprising because:

  1. I don’t have a southern accent.
  2. I don’t like sweet tea.
  3. I’m not an idiot.

For those of you who don’t have the pleasure of having spent time in the South, allow me to give you the Cliff’s Notes version:

Yes, this is really happening.

Yes, this is really happening.

What you’re looking at is a pair of “Truck Nutz.” They capture nearly every quality of your typical southerner all in a convenient, easy-to-see scrote-sack.  While it’s hard to tell if these things are more or less of an eye-sore than the Confederate battle flag, they both serve to send the same unmistakable message: the driver is a hillbilly chucklefuck who is best left ignored and marginalized.

It’s about time I wrote this entry because those who know me when I get started on this topic know that I just can’t shut the fuck up about Truck Nutz.

Things about the South that Truck Nutz capture:

  1. A sense of masculinity that hasn’t matured beyond the 4th grade.
  2. Childish vulgarity.
  3. Complete and utter ignorance of reasonable social norms.

Although I have to hand it to the man who invented Truck Nutz — it is the logical next-step for those who already require an F-350 to compensate.  What says “I’m using my truck as a dick-replacement” more than actually attaching a pair of nuts to the base of the vehicle?

To those of you who want to color-coordinate with your vehicle, or perhaps for those who wish to coordinate with the liturgical colors of the season: fret not.  Truck Nutz come in a variety of colors.

Taste the rainbow.

Taste the rainbow.

I’d like to catch the motherfucker riding around town with blue balls, but that’s another story.  If this shit hasn’t already blown your mind, consider the following pair:

Covert ops.

Covert ops.

Camouflage Truck Nutz!?  It doesn’t even make any sense!  First you want me to see the balls, now you want to hide them from me?  You need to make up your mind already.

Perhaps the worst thing of all is that, while ubiquitous, Truck Nutz are impossible to get used to if you’re a reasonable, rational human being.  F-350’s are jacked up so high that at a traffic light the homeboy in front of you is practically tea-bagging your Civic.  

I think I see where this trend is going, so I’m going to make a prediction about the future pick-up market.  Let’s observe the limit of the pick-up truck as it approaches infinity: