9 January 2012

I’m convinced that football announcers are engaged in some sort of competition for who can say the word “football” the most. Rarely will they just say “ball,” “team,” or “game”; instead, it’s always “football,” “football team,” or “football game,” as in “this football team needs to take better care of the football better if they’re going to win this football game.” Do we really need constant reminders of what sport we’re watching? Is there really some confused soul out there who would otherwise think he’s watching bobsledding?

Speaking of football, last night I watched the injury-plagued Pittsburgh Steelers lose painfully to the Denver Broncos, thanks in part to a good performance by the Broncos’ below-average-yet-inexplicably-popular quarterback, Tim Tebow. Tebow is known for his open displays of his Christian faith, such as kneeling in prayer during games and crediting the lord for his performances. Many have mocked him for this, but I have not yet taken the opportunity to do so publicly. I’d just like to make two points:

1) Tebow, who is 24 years old, has a conception of religion more simplistic and juvenile than that of an average six-year-old . Apparently he thinks of God as a personal fairy godmother who can’t be bothered to stop famine or earthquakes, but will gladly make an opponent miss a field goal if his pal Timmy asks him nicely.

2) He’s a virgin. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

What a Christ-humping douche.


Donut Puncher

20 January 2010

While food shopping in Pittsburgh’s Strip District last weekend I happened by a large crowd of freaky people raising a ruckus in front of a store on Smallman Street.  I asked one of them what all the commotion was about and was told that they were protesting a new hippie-themed bakery called “Peace, Love, and Little Donuts.”

Why?  It turns out that the store’s owner, Ron Razete, is a far-right wing nut who maintained a blog (now taken down) in which he called homosexuals an “immoral minority,” expressed his admiration for Joe McCarthy, and so forth.


Mr. Razete is entitled to express his beliefs, and if he’d called his store “Ron’s Donuts” or “The God Hates Fags Olde-Tyme Sweet Shoppe,” nobody would have given a flying fuck.  Well, people might have been a bit upset about the second name, but at least Razete could not have been accused of misrepresenting himself.  Instead, he tried to con the very people he disdains as sinful and un-American into handing him their money.  Ron, did you really think you’d get away with this, or do you genuinely lack even the faintest idea of what the hippies stood for?

On a related note, why are Christians so hung up on homosexuality?  I’m no biblical scholar, but I’m fairly certain that the Bible in general and the New Testament in particular devote considerably more ink to charity and forgiveness than to homosexuality.  Despite this, it seems that many “Christians” devote far more time and energy to persecuting people for what they do in their bedrooms than to helping the poor.

Furthermore, I don’t hear Ron Razete and his ilk calling for adulterers to be stoned to death, even though this prescription, along with many others that any decent human being would find abhorrent, can be found in the same biblical passages that condemn homosexuality.  Presumably, these people quite correctly figure that certain aspects of biblical morality are too antiquated for our modern society.  Thus, they are holding biblical morality up to some higher ethical standard, which raises the obvious question: why not just employ this higher standard exclusively and dismiss the Bible as a moral authority?  Perhaps society can find a way to carry on without guidance from an inconsistent, inaccurate, derivative and poorly translated scroll.

Happy Taliban Week

21 December 2008

This evening, millions of Jews will start celebrating Chanukkah.  Many people think that Chanukkah is a major holiday, but in fact it is one of the most minor on the Jewish calendar.  Why, then, is it so widely observed, especially by relatively secular Jews?  Jealousy.  The celebration of Chanukkah as we know it is mainly an American phenomenon; Jewish immigrants saw what great fun Christians had on Christmas (which is mostly a ripoff of pagan traditions, but that’s another story) and wanted in on the action, so they devised their own version.

There’s a common perception among non-Jews that Chanukkah is a sweet holiday, perhaps even better than Christmas: eight nights of presents, exotic food, and games of dreidel.  The fact is that Chanukkah doesn’t hold a candle to Christmas, if you’ll pardon the pun.  Sure, you get eight presents, but they’re usually cheap and lame; parents often use them as an excuse to give you things they were going to buy you anyway, like socks.  Whereas on Christmas you eat awesome food like ham and goose, on Chanukkah you eat Jewish cuisine, which is usually as unappetizing as it sounds.  Take gefilte fish, for example; I’d rather eat an aborted orangutan fetus.  Finally, dreidel has to be the shittiest game ever invented; it’s basically the equivalent of taking turns flipping a coin.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

The most pathetic thing about Chanukkah, however, is the fact that few Jews even know what they’re celebrating.   The true story of Chanukkah (not the revisionist popular version) is that of a civil war that took place between Jews living under Syrian rule during the Hellenistic period.   On one side were those who had largely assimilated into Greek culture and adoped a modern, liberal value system.  On the other side were the Maccabees, a band of fundamentalists who took issue with the lifestyle of their brethren.  The Maccabees revolted and scored a victory by brutally murdering and forcibly converting their enemies.  Sound familiar?  It should; the Maccabees were basically the Taliban of their time.  Tonight, Jews across the world will unwittingly celebrate these violent, ignorant assholes.  What a disgrace.

But hey, at least it’s not completely made up.

My mind got blown on Halloween

2 November 2008

This year on Halloween, I dressed up as Jesus.  Here’s photo evidence, taken with Dan’s interrogation lamp:

Died for the win.

Died for the win.

So anyway, I was walking around at a party, and this crowd of people called “Jesus! Come teach us!”

I walked to them, raised my arms into the air, and proclaimed:

Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.

Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

A few people started laughing, and quite a few were dumbfounded.  One girl looked at me and said “Wow, is that like… something that Confucius said?” to which I replied “IT’S THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT YOU FUCKING IDIOT.”  Everybody had a good chuckle at the girl’s expense.

I seriously felt like turning the table in front of her over and chasing her out of the house with a walking stick.  You might feel like I’m a prick for chastising her, but think about the chain of reasoning she had to have gone through.

Not recognizing the sermon on the mount is one thing, but not recognizing the words as Jesus’ words given ample contextual clues (like the guy delivering the words being dressed like JESUS CHRIST for example) is another.  Besides, when does Confucius talk about glorifying God in Heaven?

Inebriation is no excuse either, seeing as how I was out of my mind when delivering the sermon.  The ignorance of some people is simply fucking astounding.  To make matters worse, I bet this chick is going to go vote on November 4th.  Bravo, Democracy.


29 October 2008

Came across this picture that illustrates Christianity’s “Doctrine of the Trinity” recently:


Oh hey, thanks for clearing that up.

Oh hey, thanks for clearing that up.

Father = God

Son = God

Father =/= Son