We Surrender

22 June 2011

A few weeks ago I saw the movie Confederate States of America, a “mockumentary” that speculates as to what America’s history and present would look like if the South had won the Civil War. It was a fairly entertaining and thought-provoking film, but I must take issue with their depiction of the present-day Confederacy. In the movie, the country is essentially the same as today’s America, with the notable exception of continued slavery (real whip-cracking slavery, not the minimum-wage, non unionized quasi-slavery into which our country is rapidly descending).

I find it highly improbable that the Confederacy would even exist nowadays, much less as a modern world superpower. What has the South contributed to the world since the cotton gin? Answer: JACK SHIT. The states in the northeast and west coast have made this country what it is today, and while these states would still be part of the Confederacy, anyone with half a brain would have left the country immediately rather than be governed by inbred chucklefucks, much as the few intelligent people unfortunate enough to be born in Mississippi move to New York or San Francisco as soon as they turn 18.

There is no question that our country would be much better off today without the South or any of the other red states. They embarrass us with their proud ignorance and anti-intellectualism, denying climate change and teaching creationism in schools. They keep us from attaining financial solvency by generating little revenue and taking far more than their share in entitlement spending, all the while complaining that we spend too much on these very programs. They prevent us from joining the rest of the western world by implementing universal health care, because apparently that would violate their constitutional right to die of diabetes at age 46; besides, where does it say anything in the bible about helping poor sick people? The list goes on and on, leading one to marvel at the fact that a war was once fought to keep these backwaters in the union.

This brings me to an idea I’ve had for some time: why don’t we, the Union, retroactively concede the Civil War? Any state that voted for Bush in 2004 is free to go; if they choose to stay, they must become wards of the state. You know how rednecks like to talk about how the South will rise again? Well, this is your chance, motherfuckers! Let’s see how well you morons do without all of us liberal elitists shouldering the burden. Two conditions: (1) No slavery. This shouldn’t be an issue; as much as many southerners would love to bring that institution back, I somehow don’t see black people having that shit these days. (2) No foreign aid. This will be an issue, as without this condition there’s no doubt that the Confederacy would be in Washington within months, begging for money to repair their crumbling infrastructure.

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On the Origin of Species: Fucked by the short dick of intellectual inadequacy

19 November 2009

Here’s the video.  I apologize ahead of time for the stress and ulcers:

The peckerwood you see in above video is none other than Kirk Cameron, a shit-actor from the 80’s who has transitioned quite nicely into a has-been shit-actor in the 00’s.  Unfortunately, unlike other talentless hacks from his era, Kirk is under the ill-informed impression that he has something to contribute to anybody.

Kirk has become perhaps more famous in recent years by his exploits with his band of Creationist goons.  Using arguments that a sixteen-year-old from the Enlightenment could derail, Kirk and his squad depend heavily on the fact that the religious zealots buying his shit don’t read.  They don’t read the Bible, and they sure as hell don’t read anything else.  How else do you push arguments that David fucking Hume blew holes in hundreds of years ago?

At any rate, this time they added a new foreword to On the Origin of Species, chock full of ridiculous claims and equivocations.  These idiots can’t even separate the big bang theory from evolution in their muddled, half-sentient heads, even after beating them against the topic for well over a decade.

I don’t have the time or energy to step into all of the things wrong with this video.  If you feel the need to fly into a rage today, then watch it.

The thing that bothers me the most about shit like this isn’t even how absurd it is.  It’s that people like Cameron are the intellectual pinnacle of a large swath of the American public.  These shitty, invalid, factually inaccurate, straw-man, non-sequitur arguments are so obviously wrong that even watery chunks of my shit know they’ve met their match.  Like Glenn Beck, Cameron is the voice of a generation: a generation of bottom-feeding, toothless red-necks who don’t know their asses from a hole in the ground.