Fuck You and Your Smartphone

20 March 2014

Smartphones are without a doubt among mankind’s most extraordinary achievements; it is impossible to overstate the usefulness of holding all of human knowledge in the palm of one’s hand. Unfortunately, most of those hands belong to mouthbreathers whose misuse of these devices has dropped our collective IQ into retard territory.

On second thought, that might be unfair to retarded people, most of whom can ably perform the basic human function of walking. This activity is rather challenging for many smartphone users, whose desperate need to stare at a tiny screen at all times causes them to swerve, trip, and run into stationary objects. What was once a pleasant stroll through town now feels like being in some kind of Atari game in which you must dodge randomly moving enemies. Just kidding, I shoulder-check these dipshits with everything I’ve got.

Where the smartphone becomes a real menace, of course, is when Sally Shit-For-Brains decides to take a drive down to the Wal-Mart. Apparently driving is now just downtime to be filled with other activities; piloting a multi-ton vehicle no longer requires much attention. At least a third of the drivers I see on a daily basis are yammering away or even texting as they bumble along. Honking at the dimwit who just sits there after the light turns green is now so routine that I expect the DMV to add it to driving manuals. Thanks to smartphones, people can’t even be alone with their thoughts for 20 seconds; instead, it’s “DUUUUH, RED LIGHT, BETTER CHECK FACEBOOK!”

If you’re one of these people, you’re the reason we can’t have nice things. Please die in a fire.