We Surrender

22 June 2011

A few weeks ago I saw the movie Confederate States of America, a “mockumentary” that speculates as to what America’s history and present would look like if the South had won the Civil War. It was a fairly entertaining and thought-provoking film, but I must take issue with their depiction of the present-day Confederacy. In the movie, the country is essentially the same as today’s America, with the notable exception of continued slavery (real whip-cracking slavery, not the minimum-wage, non unionized quasi-slavery into which our country is rapidly descending).

I find it highly improbable that the Confederacy would even exist nowadays, much less as a modern world superpower. What has the South contributed to the world since the cotton gin? Answer: JACK SHIT. The states in the northeast and west coast have made this country what it is today, and while these states would still be part of the Confederacy, anyone with half a brain would have left the country immediately rather than be governed by inbred chucklefucks, much as the few intelligent people unfortunate enough to be born in Mississippi move to New York or San Francisco as soon as they turn 18.

There is no question that our country would be much better off today without the South or any of the other red states. They embarrass us with their proud ignorance and anti-intellectualism, denying climate change and teaching creationism in schools. They keep us from attaining financial solvency by generating little revenue and taking far more than their share in entitlement spending, all the while complaining that we spend too much on these very programs. They prevent us from joining the rest of the western world by implementing universal health care, because apparently that would violate their constitutional right to die of diabetes at age 46; besides, where does it say anything in the bible about helping poor sick people? The list goes on and on, leading one to marvel at the fact that a war was once fought to keep these backwaters in the union.

This brings me to an idea I’ve had for some time: why don’t we, the Union, retroactively concede the Civil War? Any state that voted for Bush in 2004 is free to go; if they choose to stay, they must become wards of the state. You know how rednecks like to talk about how the South will rise again? Well, this is your chance, motherfuckers! Let’s see how well you morons do without all of us liberal elitists shouldering the burden. Two conditions: (1) No slavery. This shouldn’t be an issue; as much as many southerners would love to bring that institution back, I somehow don’t see black people having that shit these days. (2) No foreign aid. This will be an issue, as without this condition there’s no doubt that the Confederacy would be in Washington within months, begging for money to repair their crumbling infrastructure.

You won't be missed.








Cold is now an objective thing

27 January 2009

I haven’t written in a while, so I’m going to start off this post with a PSA.

To the readers of Moral Hazard,

It’s important that you read to the end of the post and see who the post is by.  It’s listed at the end of each and every post, and should tell you whether the reprehensible opinions expressed within are authored by Dan, Patricia, or myself.  This is important!  It was brought to my attention the other day that people thought I (Mike) wrote all of the posts on this site.  Furthermore, some people thought I was actually in possession of the picture of Dan with chocolate all over his partially-covered form.

I want to make it explicitly clear that I am not in possession of the photograph, and quite honestly, it bothers me that it even exists.  I could take it off of this website but really, I know a copy of the bits exist out there somewhere.  Failing that, they existed at some point in time.  Really there’s no way to win here.  The crime against nature has been perpetrated and will continue for all of time.

Sincerely yours,


Now, on to the meat of my post.  I talk a lot of shit about the south, but let’s be honest: I kind of like it there.  Really the south has no more problems than any other part of the country.  Sure, it has backwards racists but let’s not lie: so does the north.  At least the south has the distinct advantage of being warm, scenic, and pleasant.  In other words: I don’t feel like killing myself every single day of the winter, and North Carolina winters are beautiful compared to Pittsburgh.

Dog shit.

Dog shit.

It really bothers me when spoiled babies whine about “cold weather” when it’s in the 60’s, especially when I’m freezing my ass off in a frozen tundra.  I also realize that “cold” is a subjective notion; if you’re used to warm days all the time, then even a moderately unpleasant day is gonna make baby weal upset.

To prevent further misunderstandings, I’ve developed an “objective cold chart.”  It’s based around the following metric: freezing weather sucks, regardless of how used you are to it.  I can walk around in 20 degree weather without gloves because I’m used to it and I’m not a chump — but that doesn’t mean it’s not cold.  Referal to this chart is really simple; if you find yourself whining about the temperature, consult the chart.  The chart will tell you what you are, given the temperature.

Sub-zero: justified.

Sub-freezing: justified.  It’s worse closer to 0, obviously.  Around 32 isn’t so bad, and anything about 20 isn’t so bad IN MY OPINION, but I’m willing to concede that anything below freezing is terrible.

32-40:  Buck up and zip up your coat.  It’s chilly but it’s not that bad.

40-50: Poor baby.  This is sheer luxury in the winter.  If you find yourself whining about temperature in the 40’s you need a reality check.

50-60: Whiny baby.  If you’re whining about temperature in the 50’s, you need the taste slapped out of your mouth.

60 and up:  You deserve death.  Some real Al-Qaeda, Viet-Cong stuff too.

A subject very close to my heart.

29 October 2008

While it’s hard to believe for those who know me, I spent twenty-four years of my life in the American South.  For those who don’t know me — it’s surprising because:

  1. I don’t have a southern accent.
  2. I don’t like sweet tea.
  3. I’m not an idiot.

For those of you who don’t have the pleasure of having spent time in the South, allow me to give you the Cliff’s Notes version:

Yes, this is really happening.

Yes, this is really happening.

What you’re looking at is a pair of “Truck Nutz.” They capture nearly every quality of your typical southerner all in a convenient, easy-to-see scrote-sack.  While it’s hard to tell if these things are more or less of an eye-sore than the Confederate battle flag, they both serve to send the same unmistakable message: the driver is a hillbilly chucklefuck who is best left ignored and marginalized.

It’s about time I wrote this entry because those who know me when I get started on this topic know that I just can’t shut the fuck up about Truck Nutz.

Things about the South that Truck Nutz capture:

  1. A sense of masculinity that hasn’t matured beyond the 4th grade.
  2. Childish vulgarity.
  3. Complete and utter ignorance of reasonable social norms.

Although I have to hand it to the man who invented Truck Nutz — it is the logical next-step for those who already require an F-350 to compensate.  What says “I’m using my truck as a dick-replacement” more than actually attaching a pair of nuts to the base of the vehicle?

To those of you who want to color-coordinate with your vehicle, or perhaps for those who wish to coordinate with the liturgical colors of the season: fret not.  Truck Nutz come in a variety of colors.

Taste the rainbow.

Taste the rainbow.

I’d like to catch the motherfucker riding around town with blue balls, but that’s another story.  If this shit hasn’t already blown your mind, consider the following pair:

Covert ops.

Covert ops.

Camouflage Truck Nutz!?  It doesn’t even make any sense!  First you want me to see the balls, now you want to hide them from me?  You need to make up your mind already.

Perhaps the worst thing of all is that, while ubiquitous, Truck Nutz are impossible to get used to if you’re a reasonable, rational human being.  F-350’s are jacked up so high that at a traffic light the homeboy in front of you is practically tea-bagging your Civic.  

I think I see where this trend is going, so I’m going to make a prediction about the future pick-up market.  Let’s observe the limit of the pick-up truck as it approaches infinity: